Homeward Bound

The vision of the camper rolling down the dirt road, dust kicking up behind it, wind carrying that dust out over the alfalfa fields, as the cabin grows smaller and smaller is rather bitter sweet. With great care, we carefully tuck away our time from Utah this summer into the very essence of what makes us who we are as a family and who we are as individuals, draw the line and move forward into our next chapter.

On the road again, we have time to quietly process and absorb all our wonderful experiences, lessons learned and time shared together as this Utah summer comes to a close. There are endless memories to remember and cherish, yes that is true. And yet, really, it all just blends into who we are, impacts how we step forward into a new day and what we dream about for our future.

Benjamin woke this morning, in our bed, and looked up and out the window. I watched him quietly from the other room and then heard him say, “Aw YES!” He sat up, looked at me and smiled. I smiled in return and asked him why he had said that. He looked at me and said, with a smile, “because it is morning time”. May we all begin our days with such joy!

How do I sum up all that we have learned, the great love & joy we have felt, the adventures, the laughing, the fun, the freedom-the mystery of it all? So many wonderful things have been planted. Now we will happily watch them grow as those tiny seeds, so gently planted, begin to grow within who we are and become a part of how we see the world and ourselves.

At our school, each day begins with a morning verse~something beautiful spoken aloud to create an energy present within the classroom as well as each child-something deeper than what rides along the surface, a knock on the door that leads to that deeper, richer part of each of us. I will conclude with the morning verse used in the upper grades because it seems to capture the gifts Utah brings into our hearts, the shifting of our spirits and the renewed joy within our hearts.

I look out into the world

Wherein there shines the Sun

Where glimmer all the stars,

Where lie the silent stones

The plants that live and grow

The beasts that feel and move

Where man in soul creates

A dwelling for the spirit.

I look inward to the soul

That lives within my being

The spirit of God is weaving

In sunlight and in soul-life

In heights of world without

In depths of soul within.

Spirit of God to thee

I turn myself in seeking

That strength and grace and skill

For learning and for work

May live and grow in me.

~Rudolf Steiner

And so we begin another chapter....

Finally to the top

Well, after all the weeks of attempting to get ALL THE WAY to the top (and over) the mountain that exists behind the cabin, the snow had finally all melted and we made it. Once you get to the top, it opens up and there are several other trails you can take. There is actually “traffic” up there!

Anyway, we all cheered as we ventured into new territory. Although we had been there last year, no one really remembered so it was new to us.

There was an old trail, no longer able to 4 wheel along, that went straight up. The water had washed out most of the dirt, but also created little pools of water all the way up on little plateaus. I think those were man made so the entire little trail did not wash away. The kids and I decided that some hiking would be fun as we ventured up and decided to hike to the top.

The kids, always running ahead-Hunter leading, ran ahead and made it to the first little pool along the trail. Hunter called out that there was a turtle shell in it. So we all moved faster. A turtle shell on the top of a 10-11,000' mountain. What kind of crazy turtle was this?

Upon our arrival, it did look like a turtle shell, however, I knew what it really was right away. I just did not have the heart to say so. Why be the one to point out reality when it will show itself and the disappointment it may bring soon enough anyway? Let Life teach that lesson, not me!

Katie poked at it and it sank and would resurface after some time. She would poke it again, it would sink, we would wait for the bubbles in this mud puddle to subside and thus went the process.

We left that pond as we heard Hunter yell from above that there was another mud puddle. So we all ran to that pool, again....looking for another turtle shell. We talked of this turtle the entire time we hiked. What kind was it, how did it get there and Katie became determined to get it out of the mud puddle, announcing that she would get to keep it if she did. It could go in her treasure box, but it would belong solely to her as she was planning on doing all the work it would take to get it out. She was the bravest as she fished around in the unknown mysterious murky water.

I went and gathered wild flowers to press and dry. The vision of them still resonates with me. It's windy at the top and the long grasses and flowers bent in honor of that refreshing mountain wind. We could see for miles and miles, the world just laid out in front of us for us to gaze upon and appreciate its glory and amazement.

I stood for a long time, flowers in hand, letting the wing blow through me, over me, taking with it any remorse, regret, sadness that I carried and then allowed the freshness of that mountain wind to fill me with something greater, something pure & simple, something fulfilling to my spirit, something worth carrying back down the mountain with me when our time there came to an end.

The kids were still at the turtle muck puddle. Katie insisted that I hold her hand so she could lean in as far as she could over the muck to move the “shell” with a stick. It's hard to find sticks on top of a mountain because we were far past the tree line. So, even this was a success. I mentioned that some things should just be left as they are. Some things are better to just be left alone, maybe where they want to be. This “turtle” probably had quite the journey to this place so I said I would leave it. Katie insisted and I almost had to say, “Get ready for disappointment,” but said that to myself instead. It was bound to unfold the way it did.

She pulled out one mashed up, clear plastic bottle that looked quite similar to the turtle shell she was fishing out. I mentioned that. She was convinced otherwise. Later, thinking about this afternoon, I realize that is how we all are in a way~ that although something is so plain to see, right there in front of us, we chose to see what we want to see, and more importantly, what we need to see and what we want to believe at the time.

With bravery and determination, Katie fished out the “turtle” shell. It was merely a flattened clear plastic bottle, quite similar to the other one. Her shoulders sank with disappointment and I heard her sigh and say as she shook her head, looking at it, “Sorry guys. I think it was that bottle all along. I am so disappointed.” Hunter came to her, stood by her, put his arm around her waist, his shoulders equally as slumped. To my surprise he said, “I am sorry Katie.”

I had to ask him later why he thought to say sorry at that time. He told me that is was him who had first said it was a turtle shell. It was as if he knew he had started the hope in Katie about that bottle being something more, although that was what he believed it to be as well. It was heart warming for me to see in him such warmth and compassion come from him and direct it towards Katie. He stood by her, offering an apology, because he could see & essentially feel her disappointment. I was really proud to be his mom on top of that mountain that day.

We headed down, with our original plan to find more mud and collect aluminum cans on the way down. It was quiet as we descended and I got to thinking about that “turtle shell” and the valuable lessons we had just learned up there in the pass. We never did make it to the top and that did not really matter to us anymore because the lessons we learned were more important than our final destination.

What did we learn standing at the edge of that muck puddle hoping so desperately to retrieve the shell? So many things.

As a child, Hunter learned compassion and how to apply in when the time is right. He learned togetherness and shared responsibility. He learned that sometimes all you can offer is a kind word and soft touch and that regardless of how small that may seem at the time, it can be grand.

I think Katie's lesson was even deeper. I think she learned that despite how you might hope for something to be something it is not, it just is going to be what it is and sometimes, with that, comes great disappointment. How often have we all been misled into believing something will be what we so hope for and it just is not what we expected and hoped for it to be. Rather it is just another disappointment or some sort of let down. How have we learned to weather those disappointments?

Katie learned that life goes on. Maybe her shoulders were hung down, heavy with disappointment, and that “ah shucks” kind of feeling held her for awhile, but as we descended, she found other things to smile about. She was able to leave that disappointment there by the muck puddle, draw a line in the sand and step forward, still hopeful for her future, what awaits her in this Life.

Benjamin, although busy doing his own thing, was witness to all this love & compassion, learning about family, how to treat people, when to “show up” when someone needs you.

As a parent, I learned it is much easier to allow your children to learn these lessons on the edge of a muck puddle on top of a mountain than it will be to learn later on when we are all older, more set in our ways and less likely to handle disappointment with the grace of a child versus the sunken spirit of an adult. I realized that she was going to have this heavy-hearted feeling after her discovery despite my best efforts to redirect her and yet, had to respect the lesson enough to step away and let her work through it, being present for her, and yet creating a distance so she could come to realize how to move through such feelings & experiences relying on her own self confidence. And she lived to tell about it.

If I were to move all the road blocks out of the way for my kids, I believe that in the long run, I have done them a great disservice by never allowing them to learn how to move them themselves in the safety of their own childhood, wrapped in the love of our family. Even more, is that they would never have the opportunity to learn to BELIEVE in their ability to do so which, in my opinion, is ultimately more important that actually overcoming. I think our family is safe place to fall, a soft spot in a world that can seem hard at times.

Scott and I sure do love those kids ~ how can ya not, ya know? And yet, as an adult, it is such a balancing act to know what to allow to penetrate and when to step in and assist in helping them move through things on their own.

How to you create opportunities to experience pride in oneself or a sense of strength within your spirit during childhood?

That stupid clear plastic bottle, although at first glance was simply garage, actually delivered something quite special to all of us.

So, down the mountain we went, each kid singing their own song, Katie reciting her 1^st grade play, 'Rose Red & Snow White”, Hunter making up his own songs about loving Mother Earth and little Benjamin mostly just having a conversation with himself.

We stopped and played in the mud. The kids talked of “mud school”, created a new path for the running water, diverting it over the edge. Funny how redirecting water can be empowering for them. For some reason, it is like they can actually see their impact.

I rested. I laid back on the 4 wheeler and watched the clouds go by. The day before we had been at the rodeo where the kids had gorged themselves on cotton candy. Not really, I bought one bag for them all to share, and that was plenty. Obviously. And now, here the clouds were, slowly drifting by, pulling apart just like that cotton candy. The wind, more gentle now, rustled the leaves of the surrounding trees, creating a vision and sound of natural static. I am not sure how long I stayed watching, experiencing, living into it- but a peacefulness & joy wrapped itself around me and settled deep into my heart. I felt happy. I felt satisfied. Completely content with everything.

We got back late, after dinner time, and Scott was beginning to worry. He was thinking about an intervention, asking himself if he should start up the mountain to find us.

But we arrived, singing, a bit sun burned, filthy and full of joy!

Modern day Cowboy

The Rodeo~July 14th

Well, we had waited all year for this! Last year, we had to leave before this infamous rodeo, even a bull flies all the way from Hawaii to compete, there was even a Japanese television show recording it. If you remember, Ben fell and smashed his sweet little face on a wooden table damaging his front tooth and we had to head home because we needed to get to the dentist before he went off on his own vacation.

Anyway, it is funny how you have a plan, think it will be one way and it just ends up to be not what you thought! Scott had been baling all day on an extremely bumpy field, he came home hungry & tired which, in turn, made him rather grouchy. Understandable. The kids were already tired from a hard day of play outside, they probably should have had showers but instead we had time to only wipe the dirt off their faces. Both Katie and Hunter were very clingy to Scott as we had not seen him much during this hay season.

You know when you just want to eat, or relax, or whatever and there is a little person essentially petting you, love bumping their head against you, sticking their finger in your ear, laying their head down into your lap, pinching and poking for your attention, all that? Yes, that was dinner at the restaurant. But after we all ate, we were all feeling much better and headed to the parade.

The parade was great. Katie brought a little satchel my mom had made her last year to collect things in so she could collect candy and all the things she was planning to win at the fair. After the parade, we headed over to the carnival where the rodeo was taking place.

OK..since when did the games at a darn carnival get so expensive! To throw three darts at the balloons cost $5!!!!!!!!!!! That is not even a buck a dart. What a rip off! So we spent $5 at the dart game, left with a bear for Ben. Spent another $5 at the fishing game where Hunter won a plastic trumpet which is already broken. We wasted $10 at this total rip off basketball game and lost another $10 at the break a bottle game. So, then the guy at that game felt bad for Katie so he gave her a little platypus. That thing cost us $10!! So you do the math....and that all happened in about 15 minutes!

The rodeo started with the bucking broncos. That is something crazy to watch happen right in front of you! I have somewhat become a cowboy history buff.

The first organized rodeo was in 1869 and took place in CO. When the cowboys would have a day off, they would get together with other cowboys from different ranches to compete to see who was the better cowboy. They did pretty much exactly what they do now. That is what too much testosterone and free time will get you!

I find this bit of history actually quite fascinating. The old western movies have somewhat created this false image of what a cowboy looked and acted like. In all actuality, they did not carry two six shooters on each hip. In general, a cowboy did not carry a gun at all and if he did, it was really only used to put a steer out of its misery. Even carrying a rifle was rare because of how you had to carry it caused bad sores on the horse where it rested.

Cowboys did run into trouble with Indians & individual land owners, but not exactly like it has been represented. This mostly was during the cattle drives. During the late 1800's, Texas longhorns were only selling for about a nickle in Texas but if you could get them North, you could get as much as $40 so many ranchers hired cowboys to take their steer north. Oklahoma was Indian Territory and crossing that state sometimes caused trouble, but mostly the Indians charged the cowboys to pass and they did so without trouble. A cowboy was actually more likely to die by either getting struck by lightening or to be trampled in a stampede than anything else. Apparently, if you were tramped in a stampede, there was really nothing left to even bury.

For whatever reason, the long horn steer the cowboys drove North were skittish. A bolt of lightening, the hoot of an owl, even just the strike of a match could freak them out so much a stampede would begin. Each night the cowboys would circle and circle the herd until they were in a tight circle and would lay down to sleep. Then the 1-2 cowboys would circle the herd all night, singing to them, whistling or softly talking to them to keep them calm. A sound of a human voice was soothing to them. If a stampede would somehow get started, all the sleeping cowboys would jump up, get on their horses, and ride with the stampede.

Now, imagine how dark the open range would be and they just rode blind. And fast! Sometimes they would even have to fire three shots right next to the leaders ear to get them to stop.

Once things all settled down, the day would begin like it always did. Bright and early with pancakes, biscuits and bacon and strong black coffee. The herd, although all mixed together during the night, would find their regular traveling place and follow in line, usually the same bull steers leading with the females and calves to follow. The same slow ones always in the rear. That is where the bandana comes in handy. Being at the back of the line was a dusty place to be. It was not unusual for those men to have an inch of dust on them by the end of the day.

During the season before the cattle would go to slaughter, they were out on the open range, grazing. Some stuck together, some traveled miles away, some alone. When the time came, several ranchers got together and organized the “round up”. The cowboys would create about a 20 mile circle, sort of like a web, and bring in the cattle. They had horses they used in the morning, ones they used in the afternoon, and even another that was best at night. It has been said that a ranchers would never actually directly fire a cowboy, but rather take his best and favorite horse away indicating that “your time is done here”.

Although a cowboy rarely owned his own horse, it usually belonged to the ranchers, he almost always owned his own saddle. Some days were long and a comfortable and well made saddle was essential. When a cowboy sold his saddle, it meant he was done, the days of him being a cowboy were over. Thus the phrase, “Don't sell your saddle.”

Another essential “tool” of a cowboy was his hat. Did you know you could tell where a cowboy was from based on what his hat looked like. Hunter was just saying he did not like the brim of his new hat because it was too wide and not shaped like the traditional cowboy hat that you picture. I told him it was a desert cowboy hat and that was why he needed the wide brim tp protect his face from the sun. And that was true! Hats were used to keep the sun out, the rain off your face, wave over a reluctant fire-there were all kinds of uses.

The winter of 1886-87 was the worst ever remembered in human history. This winter changed the entire course of cattle ranching. That year is known as “The Big Die Out” because so many cattle froze and starved to death. The ranchers/cowboys were unable to round up their cattle before the winter storms hit and it was that way for the rest of the winter season. The cattle starved to death and froze. It was a great loss and things were forever changed after that.

Ranchers started to realize that they would need to have a plan B when winter came. That plan was to farm the prairie and grow feed for the cattle to be prepared for when the ground froze again. And fence in the cattle. The year following that particular winter was the beginning of the end for what was known as the “open range”. Ranchers started to fence in their cattle as well as the many people who moved west to farm the land for 5 years until the government signed it over to them to own it personally. And so it began...”this land is my land”.

So, sadly enough, cowboys became fence menders & farm workers, staying more stationary than ever before. And then the life of a cowboy just kind of faded away and ceased to exist all together. Those years of roaming the open range and living the life of a cowboy really all only happened within about 30 years.

The rodeo brought all that back to life though. Of course, this time....with cotton candy. There was excitement as the men held on for dear life as they were bucked of horses and bulls. The women came out and barrel raced, wow, to see that horse gallop that last stretch in the arena was a glimpse of what a wild horse must have looked like so long ago, running through the open range, neck outstretched, mane extended out from speed.

Ben cried and screamed as these couple of dare devils came in and did some jumps on their dirt bikes. I mean really screamed. Really, the kids could hardly watch! He buried his face into me and cried and screamed and cried. I smiled at the cowboys sitting around us and shrugged.

Katie began to look a little green-started shifting in her seat as though something was coming up. Suddenly she turns to me, says she is not feeling well and going to throw up. UP and OUT we go, running to the bathroom, her hand over her mouth, lucky enough to reach an open stall and then the puking came. But she made it and she felt much better after!

We waited a year for this evening at the rodeo and it WAS worth it!

The moon rose over an open field and its light shone down on the dirt road back up to the cabin. It had been a long and exciting day. The rodeo.

Salt Creek & the Salvage Yard~July 12th

All the melting snow comes down and flows into Salt Creek, supplying the entire city of Nephi with its water. Up closer to the mountains, however, it is just one of our favorite places to play. The water is freezing cold but that does not stop any one of the kids from taking their shoes off and stepping right in. They spent their time throwing rocks and fishing with their newly found fishing poles which were long sticks that has been smoothed down by the continual rushing water. Who knows how far away they came from. We walked up the rapids a bit to find it was rushing too fast for us to cross or play near so we had to turn back. Plus, more rain was rolling in. Our time there was cut a bit short, but great fun none the less. We deserved a good of play today too because we had a busy bit of running around.

Just some errands to do, but they took us all the way north about 30 minutes to Spanish Fork. We have been driving around with our recyclables in the back of the truck for about a week looking for a place to recycle them at. At first we thought we could take them into Fountain Green, but there they only have two bins and they only collect cardboard. Honestly, I am not sure what everyone who lives in these small communities does with their recyclables. Tossing all that in the trash is just unfathomable to me.

Anyway, they had a recycling center there but they only took aluminum cans. No problem. There certainly was quite a lot of beer drinking while we had all our family out. So, we went.

I started sorting the trash in the bed of the truck, the kids are sitting there in the truck and right in front of us, a giant bull dozer type of thing, comes and starts smashing up this car!! I am not kidding the thing was about 30-40 feet from us. I am thinking there is going to be debris flying and kinda freaking out, but the kids were hooting and hollering from inside the truck as though this was the coolest thing they had ever seen! You should have heard Hunter!! Then suddenly, the whole darn car is up in the air and he's heaving it up onto the top of a bunch of other cars. Some guy walks over to me, tells me that if I crush all the cans, we can earn $.05 more per pound. I had already told the kids they could split the money so went and asked them if they wanted to get out and crush them. They would earn more money if they did. They all scramble to get their shoes on, pile outta the truck and start smashing cans in the middle of this salvage yard!

I gotta tell ya though, they were sure excited with thinking about how much they thought they were going to get. After all was said and done, we had two 5 gallon buckets to carry over to the weigh in. A whopping 6 pounds. The total came to $3.60 which they split 3 ways. Katie's comment was that she was surprised because she thought it was going to be more after all that work. But they all sat there and held onto their dollar and change the whole way home anticipating what they will buy at the carnival/rodeo on Thursday.

It took me back to my own childhood – I still am a garbage man's daughter at heart and that is probably why I cannot bring myself to throw out all those plastics. As a kid, crushing cans was my job at home. I can remember lining them all up, with only a slight indent and then crushing them all in a row. I had forgotten this until today at the junk yard. The kids thought this “assembly line” was a great idea.

I am sure we looked like quite the sight, all of us lining up beer cans, then crushing them with most slipping out under our foot, then just stomping on them with both feet as though we were dancing on hot coals right there next to a 40 foot high pile of junk cars and who knows what else!

But the kids cannot wait to go back. They are already planning that if we crush the cans as we go here at the cabin we will have less work when we get to the salvage yard next time. We have our own “dump” here, a hole where we throw our garbage into. Katie is already talking about going there to see if there are any more cans to take! So, if you all happen to see my kids digging through the garbage at the park or when we come to visit you at your house, you will know why! I cannot help it though....it does make me smile!

Nebo Loop

Mount Nebo loop has been closed since winter. There is still too much snow up there to pass over if you can believe it! But even the cattle will welcome you!

Katie & the Hummingbird~July 11th

I had not even shown Katie the picture of Scott and the hummingbird, but the story was so fascinating to her that she went right out there the very next morning and sat patiently. She sat and sat and waited and waited with determination and excitement, with a true hope and belief that soon the hummingbird would land on her finger, just as it had her dad's. And sure enough- it did!! She came in giggling and giddy, saying how THAT was the most wonderful feeling she had ever felt. It tickled, she said and told how she had to do her best not to giggle while it sat perched on her finger. It was absolutely amazing to her.

She was proud, almost honored in a way because the hummingbird did come to her. Hunter and I just do not have the patience for it and even after we have sat for so long waiting, when one finally does come to the feeder, it is as though that is the moment we have to stretch or move in some way. So, hummingbirds have only come to perch on those who are patient enough to wait.

Nightly Entertainment

After we get the kids to bed, Scott and I sit out on the deck and quietly watch the reverse sunset. The shadows move so peacefully and slowly across the mountains that all of a sudden the shadows will just be gone without us realizing any time has past. There was a double rainbow this evening. Beautiful. And then come the hummingbirds.

They seem to have a little pattern of their own. The male appears mostly in the morning, zooming in, feeding, and zooming away again. This goes on for quite some time. Hunter has these red pj's he wears and he can actually get pretty close!

In the evening, the female comes doing the same; zooming in and out as she feeds, only stopping for a brief moment and zooming away again. Scott and I pull up our deck chairs and see how close we can get. That is how we entertain ourselves at night!

Those of you who do not know, Scott gets freaked out by things zooming around his head. I get that. Bats are always the first thing I think of and I can understand how that can freak you out, but a hummingbird, for Scott, falls into the same category. So, we have some good laughs while the hummingbirds dive bomb us on the deck, Scott ruffling up his hair as though it gets caught in it. The hummingbirds message is clear, something like, “Why do you have to sit so close? Back off a bit. Geez!”

Last night Scott thought that if he extended his hand out and set his finger right by the perch, the female would land on his finger. Sure enough. No sooner had he put his hand out, she came and landed right on it and was just feeding away!! Nature photographer Sam Noll snapping pictures in hopes of a great one!

That is how we entertain ourselves! To think of a hummingbird landing on you!! Scott was so patient and I remember thinking that as he just quietly sat. I felt sad thinking about how much I will miss those kind of quiet times with him, just the two of us, together, in the quiet of the early evening.

I suppose it is getting to be that time to start packing up, organizing and thinking about driving home. There will be so many things we will all miss. I will even miss the little symphony of snoring. Scott and Hunter and I all sleep in the same room. Hunter is on a twin mattress on the floor and BOY can that kid snore! So, between those two and the nightly gnawing of whatever creature lives in the ceiling, I have gotten to having to fall asleep with the pillow over my head to block it all out!! I am not sure if that is a mouse gnawing or what. It sounds bigger to me but I think most sounds in the dark will sound that way, bigger than they really are. But, its a busy one.

That seems silly to miss someone's snoring, but, to me, what that means is that we all somewhat separate ourselves again, into our own rooms, our own space. Maybe that means we should downsize, buy a 2 bedroom house!! Out here, we are not on top of one another, we are together and it is that togetherness I miss when we get home as everyone spreads out. Of course, then comes the spreading of wings and that is joyful yet bitter sweet at the same time. To think of Ben in preschool – I sort of feel like I will find myself already waving good-bye before I know it, they will have all grown up, have spread their wings and discovered their own way out there.

And we will be OLD, happy & content, most likely here....I still be waiting for a damn hummingbird to land on me.

July 10th-Lazy Days

We have not done much in the past few days. The weather has been strange. There has been so much rain. Of course, that is not good when it is hay season, however, it is great because it certainly keeps the dust down and it's nice not to have to slather ourselves with sunscreen!

We all went to the little town theater on Saturday night for their summer play. Last year it was The Piped Piper and our kids reenacted that for months after wards. This year it was a radio show featuring live d.j.'s who introduced a variety of current and classic stars. There was Sonny & Cher, The Carpenter's, Taylor Swift, Elvis and many more. The whole thing wrapped up with Willy Nelson coming out and singing “On the Road Again”.

The song actually reminded me of us. Just a band of gypsies...playing music with my friends, seeing things I never thought I would see. It was great fun.

It is weird to think about heading home in about a week. We are so present within all the moments and happenings here that the thought of going home, everyone having their own room, that big house, driving the minivan versus a big ol' truck, getting ready to start school and wrapping up the summer-it all seems so far off in the distance.

Here I take the time to just stop what I am doing and make bread with Katie in the middle of afternoon as though that is the ONLY thing to accomplish today. Or sit outside as the weather shifts into a light sprinkle and watch Hunter's concert. He has one just about every night. He got this battery operated guitar from his cousins for his birthday that plays old classic rock songs and he just jams out. He invites us all out into the backyard where he proceeds to jump and spin, twirl his guitar, and play an entire concert for us. Hunter wears his new tennies with his white socks pulled up to his knees. I think he looks rather like AC/CD, right, don't they have their socks pulled up? Benjamin now accompanies him as the lead dancer, mostly running in circles around Hunter while Hunter encourages him to “do his thing.” Scott and I just laugh and smile. Finally, Scott turned to me and asked, “Where does that kid get those moves from?” I think we all know how Scott can cut a rug so it is clear to me that Hunter gets his moves from his dad!

I am so grateful my kids just take it all in. The long grass can be rather prickly and scratchy. I really do not care for it so wear my mud boots almost all the time, but Katie will spend the afternoon in her flip flops collecting a center piece without the grass or even the grasshoppers distracting her. The kids are so content. They will play for hours with each other just using their imagination. Right now they are all outside getting the concert area ready by gathering rocks and lining them up along what is to be the edge of the stage, trying to catch a lizard, and just digging in the dirt.

I can hear them outside the window talking nicely to one another as they are 'working it out' with one another as one wants to put the rocks in one way and the other wants to do it another way, but there they are- out there getting it all figured out. The storm is rolling in and I can hear Ben singing the “rain, rain, go away song” as the other two chat with each other about rock placement. I have not figured out what it is about the times they get along so beautifully versus the times they do not, but it's been a great few days!

It's funny how the days just continue to pass, paying no attention to how or what we do with those days. We are all so “full” here and yet do so little. Our day today has been filled with morning make believe while I do my exercises, pretending school (Katie of course is the teacher keeping track of “x” marks and stars as far as the boy's behavior goes), relaxing and reading a few chapters, 4 wheeling with Hunter to collect flowers to dry, chasing the 6 cows from another farm out of the tall grass out front, eating lunch together with Scott, popping popcorn, making bread, preparing dinner, watching the seventh Hunter concert, sewing top hats for the deer Uncle Mark and Scott shot last fall, all that sounds like a whole lot of nothing, right? AND YET~ here we all are, totally content, calm, happy, getting along, listening-really listening to one another, and just truly enjoying one another's company. That is filling. We are full and it is that simple.

I find at home I try too hard to give so much that I can sometimes actually feel empty despite my best efforts. I have to ask myself who I am doing this all for after a long, but great day at the zoo, a picnic, etc.-all this entertaining. It seems so backwards. And yet think that must be an adult perspective about time and how it should be spent. As an adult, I feel the best after a busy day and also a sense of accomplishment, but think kids are different. When I project how I think their time is best spent, there always seems to be something missing for them at the end. Why can't I just let them play all day in their own way and let them fill themselves ---which they will?

Here at the cabin, what we give to one another is a gift of time, the gift of ourselves and who we really are without all the busy-ness that distracts us from who we think we should be and what we think we should be doing and how to measure our own personal progress or that of our kids.

Those three are still outside practicing the concert. I think Katie has now moved into a management position as I can here her, “Act mad! Yeah. Yeah. Give me that mad face. Benny move this way. Hunter move the other way. Ugh...you guys need to keep practicing!” and then I hear the music start over again!

And then the game shifts into something different. Now they are selling center pieces, hanging all these pulled up weeds, swept into a circle and hung on a broken branch. Calling out to no one really that they have center pieces for sale. And then back to the concert! And round and round it goes!

I do so apologize for our lack of pictures. It really does take so long, but be prepared for when we dump them all on. I am eager to upload some of the videos-the infamous concert, the headless moving rattle snake, etc. So, we will just have to make a trip into town where we can get them on fast.

The Lavender 5K Race #470

I DID IT!!! First, let me say that I am NOT a runner. Oh, how I wish I had the knees & feet cut out to be one, but have accepted ( a little defeated I might add) that I am not a runner and nor will I ever be one! But the thought of getting up at sunrise, watching the sun rise over the majestic Mount Nebo and going for a morning run through the blooming lavender fields was just too much to resist! Plus I got a shirt!! Honestly, I have not run since I have gotten here. Don't get me wrong-I have my daily little exercises that I do, but running is not one of them.

We had a huge rain storm here Friday night. Rare, but seems like we have been getting more rain than last year. This is good, the farm girl in me hopes for a second crop of alfalfa. Anyway, as I pulled out of the dirt road this morning, the sun was just beginning to peak over the adjacent mountains, creating a beautiful reverse sunrise behind me. There was an enormous puddle at the end of the driveway and the reflection of the rising sun was beautiful; soft clouds rimming the tip of the mountains, all sprinkled with pink, the canyon beyond beginning to glow with the first bit of morning sun. Just wonderful!

I got to the Young Living Lavender Farm, got myself signed in and was ready to go. My cheering section stayed home. Scott has actually had the flu the past couple of days, was up most of the night with a fever and the idea of getting the kids up, fed and out the door by 6am was just not going to happen this year. Although I have already talked Katie into joining me next year, so am excited because I do think this will become a little summer tradition for us, sort of a rite of passage, something you have to wait for.

The roads were rather muddy, somewhat rocky and with my terribly bunion plagued feet, I just had to keep keepin' on!!! My goal was to finish in 30 minutes~ I thought that was reasonable seeing as I am not a runner and we are at about 6500 feet above sea level, a little different than running in Wisconsin! I finished in 30.59 ~ and I was proud of myself.

I suppose I could have shaved that time down a bit, BUT there I was in the center of some kind of lavender heaven, the scent of blooming lavender all around, the sun gently shining over the snow capped Mt. Nebo illuminating the vivid purple everywhere I looked. So, I did commit to myself that I wanted to truly take in this moment, all this lavender love, and I did ~ and I slowed down to do it.

Sometimes, I think we all rush through our day, our weeks, ultimately our lives and no matter what, we will all end up at the same place – the end, when it is all over. So, within all these moments I am blessed to have and experience, if I do not tell myself to slow it all down, pay attention, breath it in, I know I will be missing something. That something will be all the things in my life I missed because I would have formed a habit of looking fixedly over its shoulder (whatever that “it” might be) anticipating the next thing instead of just recognizing my moments as they happen. Who knows when the end will come, so I ask myself why live as though I have all this time, endless time, full of moments that I may or may not remember versus just aiming to be here ~ right now ~ today ~ in THIS moment.

The Kitten Rescue

Scaredy Cat, one of the kittens we got last year and left out here, not only survived, but had kittens just over a week ago. She had seven. We all have enjoyed seeing those tiny little things and it seemed like all was going well BUT THEN....one was missing. We had kept Scaredy in the bathroom at the shop so that when she did have the kittens, she would not want to go and hide them like their instinct tells them to do. Then all the kittens would never been found and just be wild cats and most likely unlikely to stick around and serve their purpose of keeping the mouse population down.

We had the bathroom door open for a while so Scaredy could get out, stretch her legs, but then we noticed that she was moving one of the kittens. She carried it to the corner of the shop, a really terrible place to go, so after she went back for another one, we took the mom and the baby and put them back into their little bathroom space. But the next morning, one kitten was missing. We looked and looked and found nothing.

We decided to go back Friday night and check again and see if by chance we might find the missing kitten. There was a little white kitten just not doing so well. Scaredy had all the kittens on the hard cement floor, too cold of a place for those little ones. So, Katie warmed up the little white one while I created a warmer place with an old snowmobile cover the cats had taken over. Katie went to bed last night with her fingers crossed for that little one, shed a few tears, and we both went to bed hoping for the best.

But Saturday morning, we went down to check on the the kittens and then there were five – the white one, the weak and cold one from the night before, was gone.

Really? Is the mother eating them-where are the kittens disappearing to? Do they do that!?!

So, we decided that an intervention was in need. We brought all the remaining kittens and the mom up to the cabin. We gave Scaredy some warm milk, thinking that if we can get the mom feeling good, the babies will do well too. She lapped up the warm milk leaving a sweet little milk beard, cozied into her soft & warm new spot and we left them listening to the sound of those little kittens nursing.

We will see.

I had to tell Katie, and really myself as well, that life on the farm is what it is. I told her that we can feel good about what we have done and we just have to leave it at that. Life on the farm is tough and you have to be strong to survive and be able to fend for yourself. The kittens that have died just were not going to be strong enough to make it and that is just how it is going to be no matter what we do. It is a hard lesson to learn and even harder to accept and understand, but I think it's a valuable lesson to learn that sometimes, despite what you do, how much you hope and love, some things are just out of your control. I am grateful actually my kids have the chance to learn that lesson now through these kittens.

Another visit to Bear Canyon

The ladies and the kids all went hiking at Bear Canyon. What a beautiful place and no matter how many times we go there, I never tire of its beauty. The mountains, the rushing water, the variety of trees all peacefully growing together creating this peaceful forest.

The kids all did a great job hiking, although towards the end, I did have to carry Ben. My sister carried her little one, Patrick, as well. But all the kids had a great time hiking, singing & making noise (to keep the bears away), playing clapping games, and all sorts of fun. Hunter had gotten a bear bell for his birthday and it came in quite handy!

We hiked in as far as we thought the kids would want to go and just watched them all play in the stream. That was the farthest my little crew had ever gone before. I often have to ask myself what is more important; getting to the marker point that I thought we could get to OR just going as far as the kids enjoy & it being about them enjoying their time in the forest, experiencing a love of nature. After all, who knows what they will remember, what details, what experiences, but I do think they will remember how they felt and if I can do my best to make those experiences wonderful ones, then I hope those will be the memories that are linked to happy moments in nature.

Family Time

We have had a lot of people visiting this last week. My dad, Jen and Ezell-their foster son- arrived first. Then Scott's parents, my sister and her family, Scott brother, Greg and his wife Vanessa, and Scott's sister's family as well. It has been a busy past few days, but also a lot of fun. The guy's spend their time working on the shed (quite the task seeing as it is about 30 feet high). The rest of us find our own adventures.

On Sunday, we DID finally make it to the top of Log Canyon road. Once we arrived, however, we could not continue because there STILL was snow up there blocking the road to continue farther along. Where we ended was wonderful, it was actually the same place last year where we saw the mountain lion tracks. The kids and I were all on the same 4wheeler. It works for us and I was just thinking about how great it is that we all fit. There will be years when we will no longer all fit and I know I will always say what fond memories I have of the days when the kids and I could all fit onto one.

The kids played in the snow. Ben mostly stood and blew into the coyote call over and over, but he truly enjoyed that and I figured what better place to be so loud...at the top. Hunter had found two sticks for himself that were the perfect size. He used them as ski poles and “skiied”. Katie just went up and up and up and up. I followed her up to where she had climbed and from there ~ the view was breathtaking. I truly could have just sat, breathing in the mountain air, listening to the wind rustle the trees, feeling the cold of the snow under my boots, but the warmth from the sun on my shoulders.

Our Katie....words cannot begin to encompass her free spirit. She climbed through all that snow wearing her mudd boots and a pink floral dress. The contrast between her bright & shining smile, looking so alive againt the white snow is a vision I will cherish within my heart for many days to come. She is so at ease with her world, how she fits, who she is and she climbed that mountain with a kind of excitement and hope. She clawed her way past me up to the top of where the snow ended and she turned, looked down at me and the look on her face was as though she was “home” ~ where her heart is.

We began our way back down, we were the last to follow. The rest of the group had gone ahead. Hunter chatted the entire way down saying how he had no idea we were going to be able to get to the top today and how great it was that we did. When we set out he was not really looking forward to it. I think the attitude was one of, “Not this again.” and it is rather bumpy and the edge is rather steep and it can be a bit scarey. But on our way down after chatting all about how amazed he was we made it, he said, “Mom! This is a great day! Actuallys, this is the greatest day ever!” I told him to use his big sky mountain voice, so there we all were coming down the mountain with Hunter yelling out how this was the greatest day EVERRRRRRR! Katie made up songs the rest of the way, creating her own verses, like “The Noll's went over the mountain. The Noll's went over the mountain. The Noll's went over the mountain – to see what they could see. And all that they could see. And all that they could see -was a dead gross deer leg, was a dead gross deer leg, was a dead gross dead leg – was all that they could see.” We stopped and played at the first sight of snow on our way up which was where the avalanche had come through and apparently, that deer was in the wrong place at the wrong time and all that was left was his leg. Funny, that was what she thought to sing about!!

We all gathered and set off a few fire works in the driveway tonight. They were rather small but the kids loved them none the less. Ben was initially frightened of the sparklers and could not even bring himself to hold onto an unlit one. He finally was so tired and so upset I just took him in. After we came in and started getting ready for bed he turned to me, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Mom, I am not afraid anymore. See. I am okay now. I want to do a sparkler.” So, we went back out and he did. It was a wonderful process to see. He began afraid but ultimately overcame that fear on his own terms – without much help from us. I was proud of him. It was not about the sparkler, but rather something greater, something that emerged within him, brought forth courage and in the end, joy.

Freedom

“Let them go forth in freedom.”
~Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf Education

I have said it before and I will say it again that I cannot quite put my finger on what makes our time here so special nor can I tell anyone about our time here with the hope of total understanding unless you were to come here for yourself and truly open your heart to it. What makes here so different than at home? There really are all the same things to get done, the kids still bicker at times with one another, Scott and I still may roll our eyes at one another, but what we have here cannot be recreated at home. So I continue to ask myself what is IT.

I have concluded that it is FREEDOM.

Our little Noll family certainly is not too far absorbed into the rat race. Scott and I, personally, do our best to steer clear of it and even when we can feel it imposing on us consciously remind ourselves to NOT go there. So it would obviously make sense that we would firmly protect our kids from the little mini rat race recreated for them. Obviously it looks different for a 5 year old than it does for a 35 year old, but the overall substance is the same, that need to rush forward to the next best thing, never really giving yourself the chance to become fully absorbed into your moments.

We do not overextend our kids in the summer. To us, that is what summer should be all about ~ relaxing, slowing down, finding something to do with yourself, getting bored and seeing what comes from that. Right or wrong, at this point in their lives, we have chosen to hold off on all kinds of things we could be a part of in the summer: camp, classes, sports, etc. What we find comes in exchange of that is a sense of freedom. We have no commitments other than to our stomachs when it tells us we are hungry, to our bodies when we need rest, and to our hearts when we need time to recharge. I sometimes feel quite guilty our children will not have had those kinds of summer experiences in their early years and yet obviously do not feel guilty enough to change anything. There will be time enough to catch up with all that when our kids are older, when they are not as interested in fairy houses, running along side the Rhino, or waking up in the morning and “Mama, look at that beautiful mountain!” be the first thing out of their mouth. I watched Katie skip through the tall grassy field in her mud boots and her pajamas this morning, she did it at her own speed with no one telling her how to do it a different way. It was just her own thing, she was totally present within that moment.

So, we are free from all that summer busyness. I will admit that it is an honor to watch just what comes from them, just what comes through them and what comes out. While their little hands create, their imaginations grow. Einstein argued that knowledge is limited to all we know and understand in the present, while imagination can embrace all there ever will be to know and understand. Accordingly to him, imagination stimulates progress. Great inventions, he said, require an imaginative mind. If all Scott and I do now is encourage them to participate in things already created for them, things geared by adults, activities with rules to follow, too much competition- at what point do we encourage our children to dig deeply into their childhood and discover how they fit into the world, how they matter and who they are and sense themselves becoming through just letting them play?

So, back to FREEDOM.
“Let them go forth in freedom.”
For me that means, keeping quiet, challenging myself to not talk so much & projecting my ideas onto them by pointing out what to look at & what to do and disrupting their play by interjecting, which for a long time I thought I was contributing. Why not allow them to create their own play wholey made up from their own ideas? I aim to lead by example, find joy in the little things, so what if they color out of the lines? Thinking of that in particular, I have to ask myself if it is more important to color within the lines and push for “perfection OR if it's alright just to let them have the experience of coloring. I figure that developmentally, they will color within the lines when they are ready~they are not going to NOT know how to do that what they are 10! What good comes from me nagging about them not being able to right now? I think that example about coloring within the lines can be applied to just about anything.

I believe that when you have the chance to live deeply into your childhood, you have a better chance of growing into who you are suppose to become, who you were meant to be and to discover that greatness within your unique spirit.. These summers in Utah only enhance the beauty found in their childhood.