Homeward Bound

The vision of the camper rolling down the dirt road, dust kicking up behind it, wind carrying that dust out over the alfalfa fields, as the cabin grows smaller and smaller is rather bitter sweet. With great care, we carefully tuck away our time from Utah this summer into the very essence of what makes us who we are as a family and who we are as individuals, draw the line and move forward into our next chapter.

On the road again, we have time to quietly process and absorb all our wonderful experiences, lessons learned and time shared together as this Utah summer comes to a close. There are endless memories to remember and cherish, yes that is true. And yet, really, it all just blends into who we are, impacts how we step forward into a new day and what we dream about for our future.

Benjamin woke this morning, in our bed, and looked up and out the window. I watched him quietly from the other room and then heard him say, “Aw YES!” He sat up, looked at me and smiled. I smiled in return and asked him why he had said that. He looked at me and said, with a smile, “because it is morning time”. May we all begin our days with such joy!

How do I sum up all that we have learned, the great love & joy we have felt, the adventures, the laughing, the fun, the freedom-the mystery of it all? So many wonderful things have been planted. Now we will happily watch them grow as those tiny seeds, so gently planted, begin to grow within who we are and become a part of how we see the world and ourselves.

At our school, each day begins with a morning verse~something beautiful spoken aloud to create an energy present within the classroom as well as each child-something deeper than what rides along the surface, a knock on the door that leads to that deeper, richer part of each of us. I will conclude with the morning verse used in the upper grades because it seems to capture the gifts Utah brings into our hearts, the shifting of our spirits and the renewed joy within our hearts.

I look out into the world

Wherein there shines the Sun

Where glimmer all the stars,

Where lie the silent stones

The plants that live and grow

The beasts that feel and move

Where man in soul creates

A dwelling for the spirit.

I look inward to the soul

That lives within my being

The spirit of God is weaving

In sunlight and in soul-life

In heights of world without

In depths of soul within.

Spirit of God to thee

I turn myself in seeking

That strength and grace and skill

For learning and for work

May live and grow in me.

~Rudolf Steiner

And so we begin another chapter....

Finally to the top

Well, after all the weeks of attempting to get ALL THE WAY to the top (and over) the mountain that exists behind the cabin, the snow had finally all melted and we made it. Once you get to the top, it opens up and there are several other trails you can take. There is actually “traffic” up there!

Anyway, we all cheered as we ventured into new territory. Although we had been there last year, no one really remembered so it was new to us.

There was an old trail, no longer able to 4 wheel along, that went straight up. The water had washed out most of the dirt, but also created little pools of water all the way up on little plateaus. I think those were man made so the entire little trail did not wash away. The kids and I decided that some hiking would be fun as we ventured up and decided to hike to the top.

The kids, always running ahead-Hunter leading, ran ahead and made it to the first little pool along the trail. Hunter called out that there was a turtle shell in it. So we all moved faster. A turtle shell on the top of a 10-11,000' mountain. What kind of crazy turtle was this?

Upon our arrival, it did look like a turtle shell, however, I knew what it really was right away. I just did not have the heart to say so. Why be the one to point out reality when it will show itself and the disappointment it may bring soon enough anyway? Let Life teach that lesson, not me!

Katie poked at it and it sank and would resurface after some time. She would poke it again, it would sink, we would wait for the bubbles in this mud puddle to subside and thus went the process.

We left that pond as we heard Hunter yell from above that there was another mud puddle. So we all ran to that pool, again....looking for another turtle shell. We talked of this turtle the entire time we hiked. What kind was it, how did it get there and Katie became determined to get it out of the mud puddle, announcing that she would get to keep it if she did. It could go in her treasure box, but it would belong solely to her as she was planning on doing all the work it would take to get it out. She was the bravest as she fished around in the unknown mysterious murky water.

I went and gathered wild flowers to press and dry. The vision of them still resonates with me. It's windy at the top and the long grasses and flowers bent in honor of that refreshing mountain wind. We could see for miles and miles, the world just laid out in front of us for us to gaze upon and appreciate its glory and amazement.

I stood for a long time, flowers in hand, letting the wing blow through me, over me, taking with it any remorse, regret, sadness that I carried and then allowed the freshness of that mountain wind to fill me with something greater, something pure & simple, something fulfilling to my spirit, something worth carrying back down the mountain with me when our time there came to an end.

The kids were still at the turtle muck puddle. Katie insisted that I hold her hand so she could lean in as far as she could over the muck to move the “shell” with a stick. It's hard to find sticks on top of a mountain because we were far past the tree line. So, even this was a success. I mentioned that some things should just be left as they are. Some things are better to just be left alone, maybe where they want to be. This “turtle” probably had quite the journey to this place so I said I would leave it. Katie insisted and I almost had to say, “Get ready for disappointment,” but said that to myself instead. It was bound to unfold the way it did.

She pulled out one mashed up, clear plastic bottle that looked quite similar to the turtle shell she was fishing out. I mentioned that. She was convinced otherwise. Later, thinking about this afternoon, I realize that is how we all are in a way~ that although something is so plain to see, right there in front of us, we chose to see what we want to see, and more importantly, what we need to see and what we want to believe at the time.

With bravery and determination, Katie fished out the “turtle” shell. It was merely a flattened clear plastic bottle, quite similar to the other one. Her shoulders sank with disappointment and I heard her sigh and say as she shook her head, looking at it, “Sorry guys. I think it was that bottle all along. I am so disappointed.” Hunter came to her, stood by her, put his arm around her waist, his shoulders equally as slumped. To my surprise he said, “I am sorry Katie.”

I had to ask him later why he thought to say sorry at that time. He told me that is was him who had first said it was a turtle shell. It was as if he knew he had started the hope in Katie about that bottle being something more, although that was what he believed it to be as well. It was heart warming for me to see in him such warmth and compassion come from him and direct it towards Katie. He stood by her, offering an apology, because he could see & essentially feel her disappointment. I was really proud to be his mom on top of that mountain that day.

We headed down, with our original plan to find more mud and collect aluminum cans on the way down. It was quiet as we descended and I got to thinking about that “turtle shell” and the valuable lessons we had just learned up there in the pass. We never did make it to the top and that did not really matter to us anymore because the lessons we learned were more important than our final destination.

What did we learn standing at the edge of that muck puddle hoping so desperately to retrieve the shell? So many things.

As a child, Hunter learned compassion and how to apply in when the time is right. He learned togetherness and shared responsibility. He learned that sometimes all you can offer is a kind word and soft touch and that regardless of how small that may seem at the time, it can be grand.

I think Katie's lesson was even deeper. I think she learned that despite how you might hope for something to be something it is not, it just is going to be what it is and sometimes, with that, comes great disappointment. How often have we all been misled into believing something will be what we so hope for and it just is not what we expected and hoped for it to be. Rather it is just another disappointment or some sort of let down. How have we learned to weather those disappointments?

Katie learned that life goes on. Maybe her shoulders were hung down, heavy with disappointment, and that “ah shucks” kind of feeling held her for awhile, but as we descended, she found other things to smile about. She was able to leave that disappointment there by the muck puddle, draw a line in the sand and step forward, still hopeful for her future, what awaits her in this Life.

Benjamin, although busy doing his own thing, was witness to all this love & compassion, learning about family, how to treat people, when to “show up” when someone needs you.

As a parent, I learned it is much easier to allow your children to learn these lessons on the edge of a muck puddle on top of a mountain than it will be to learn later on when we are all older, more set in our ways and less likely to handle disappointment with the grace of a child versus the sunken spirit of an adult. I realized that she was going to have this heavy-hearted feeling after her discovery despite my best efforts to redirect her and yet, had to respect the lesson enough to step away and let her work through it, being present for her, and yet creating a distance so she could come to realize how to move through such feelings & experiences relying on her own self confidence. And she lived to tell about it.

If I were to move all the road blocks out of the way for my kids, I believe that in the long run, I have done them a great disservice by never allowing them to learn how to move them themselves in the safety of their own childhood, wrapped in the love of our family. Even more, is that they would never have the opportunity to learn to BELIEVE in their ability to do so which, in my opinion, is ultimately more important that actually overcoming. I think our family is safe place to fall, a soft spot in a world that can seem hard at times.

Scott and I sure do love those kids ~ how can ya not, ya know? And yet, as an adult, it is such a balancing act to know what to allow to penetrate and when to step in and assist in helping them move through things on their own.

How to you create opportunities to experience pride in oneself or a sense of strength within your spirit during childhood?

That stupid clear plastic bottle, although at first glance was simply garage, actually delivered something quite special to all of us.

So, down the mountain we went, each kid singing their own song, Katie reciting her 1^st grade play, 'Rose Red & Snow White”, Hunter making up his own songs about loving Mother Earth and little Benjamin mostly just having a conversation with himself.

We stopped and played in the mud. The kids talked of “mud school”, created a new path for the running water, diverting it over the edge. Funny how redirecting water can be empowering for them. For some reason, it is like they can actually see their impact.

I rested. I laid back on the 4 wheeler and watched the clouds go by. The day before we had been at the rodeo where the kids had gorged themselves on cotton candy. Not really, I bought one bag for them all to share, and that was plenty. Obviously. And now, here the clouds were, slowly drifting by, pulling apart just like that cotton candy. The wind, more gentle now, rustled the leaves of the surrounding trees, creating a vision and sound of natural static. I am not sure how long I stayed watching, experiencing, living into it- but a peacefulness & joy wrapped itself around me and settled deep into my heart. I felt happy. I felt satisfied. Completely content with everything.

We got back late, after dinner time, and Scott was beginning to worry. He was thinking about an intervention, asking himself if he should start up the mountain to find us.

But we arrived, singing, a bit sun burned, filthy and full of joy!

Modern day Cowboy

The Rodeo~July 14th

Well, we had waited all year for this! Last year, we had to leave before this infamous rodeo, even a bull flies all the way from Hawaii to compete, there was even a Japanese television show recording it. If you remember, Ben fell and smashed his sweet little face on a wooden table damaging his front tooth and we had to head home because we needed to get to the dentist before he went off on his own vacation.

Anyway, it is funny how you have a plan, think it will be one way and it just ends up to be not what you thought! Scott had been baling all day on an extremely bumpy field, he came home hungry & tired which, in turn, made him rather grouchy. Understandable. The kids were already tired from a hard day of play outside, they probably should have had showers but instead we had time to only wipe the dirt off their faces. Both Katie and Hunter were very clingy to Scott as we had not seen him much during this hay season.

You know when you just want to eat, or relax, or whatever and there is a little person essentially petting you, love bumping their head against you, sticking their finger in your ear, laying their head down into your lap, pinching and poking for your attention, all that? Yes, that was dinner at the restaurant. But after we all ate, we were all feeling much better and headed to the parade.

The parade was great. Katie brought a little satchel my mom had made her last year to collect things in so she could collect candy and all the things she was planning to win at the fair. After the parade, we headed over to the carnival where the rodeo was taking place.

OK..since when did the games at a darn carnival get so expensive! To throw three darts at the balloons cost $5!!!!!!!!!!! That is not even a buck a dart. What a rip off! So we spent $5 at the dart game, left with a bear for Ben. Spent another $5 at the fishing game where Hunter won a plastic trumpet which is already broken. We wasted $10 at this total rip off basketball game and lost another $10 at the break a bottle game. So, then the guy at that game felt bad for Katie so he gave her a little platypus. That thing cost us $10!! So you do the math....and that all happened in about 15 minutes!

The rodeo started with the bucking broncos. That is something crazy to watch happen right in front of you! I have somewhat become a cowboy history buff.

The first organized rodeo was in 1869 and took place in CO. When the cowboys would have a day off, they would get together with other cowboys from different ranches to compete to see who was the better cowboy. They did pretty much exactly what they do now. That is what too much testosterone and free time will get you!

I find this bit of history actually quite fascinating. The old western movies have somewhat created this false image of what a cowboy looked and acted like. In all actuality, they did not carry two six shooters on each hip. In general, a cowboy did not carry a gun at all and if he did, it was really only used to put a steer out of its misery. Even carrying a rifle was rare because of how you had to carry it caused bad sores on the horse where it rested.

Cowboys did run into trouble with Indians & individual land owners, but not exactly like it has been represented. This mostly was during the cattle drives. During the late 1800's, Texas longhorns were only selling for about a nickle in Texas but if you could get them North, you could get as much as $40 so many ranchers hired cowboys to take their steer north. Oklahoma was Indian Territory and crossing that state sometimes caused trouble, but mostly the Indians charged the cowboys to pass and they did so without trouble. A cowboy was actually more likely to die by either getting struck by lightening or to be trampled in a stampede than anything else. Apparently, if you were tramped in a stampede, there was really nothing left to even bury.

For whatever reason, the long horn steer the cowboys drove North were skittish. A bolt of lightening, the hoot of an owl, even just the strike of a match could freak them out so much a stampede would begin. Each night the cowboys would circle and circle the herd until they were in a tight circle and would lay down to sleep. Then the 1-2 cowboys would circle the herd all night, singing to them, whistling or softly talking to them to keep them calm. A sound of a human voice was soothing to them. If a stampede would somehow get started, all the sleeping cowboys would jump up, get on their horses, and ride with the stampede.

Now, imagine how dark the open range would be and they just rode blind. And fast! Sometimes they would even have to fire three shots right next to the leaders ear to get them to stop.

Once things all settled down, the day would begin like it always did. Bright and early with pancakes, biscuits and bacon and strong black coffee. The herd, although all mixed together during the night, would find their regular traveling place and follow in line, usually the same bull steers leading with the females and calves to follow. The same slow ones always in the rear. That is where the bandana comes in handy. Being at the back of the line was a dusty place to be. It was not unusual for those men to have an inch of dust on them by the end of the day.

During the season before the cattle would go to slaughter, they were out on the open range, grazing. Some stuck together, some traveled miles away, some alone. When the time came, several ranchers got together and organized the “round up”. The cowboys would create about a 20 mile circle, sort of like a web, and bring in the cattle. They had horses they used in the morning, ones they used in the afternoon, and even another that was best at night. It has been said that a ranchers would never actually directly fire a cowboy, but rather take his best and favorite horse away indicating that “your time is done here”.

Although a cowboy rarely owned his own horse, it usually belonged to the ranchers, he almost always owned his own saddle. Some days were long and a comfortable and well made saddle was essential. When a cowboy sold his saddle, it meant he was done, the days of him being a cowboy were over. Thus the phrase, “Don't sell your saddle.”

Another essential “tool” of a cowboy was his hat. Did you know you could tell where a cowboy was from based on what his hat looked like. Hunter was just saying he did not like the brim of his new hat because it was too wide and not shaped like the traditional cowboy hat that you picture. I told him it was a desert cowboy hat and that was why he needed the wide brim tp protect his face from the sun. And that was true! Hats were used to keep the sun out, the rain off your face, wave over a reluctant fire-there were all kinds of uses.

The winter of 1886-87 was the worst ever remembered in human history. This winter changed the entire course of cattle ranching. That year is known as “The Big Die Out” because so many cattle froze and starved to death. The ranchers/cowboys were unable to round up their cattle before the winter storms hit and it was that way for the rest of the winter season. The cattle starved to death and froze. It was a great loss and things were forever changed after that.

Ranchers started to realize that they would need to have a plan B when winter came. That plan was to farm the prairie and grow feed for the cattle to be prepared for when the ground froze again. And fence in the cattle. The year following that particular winter was the beginning of the end for what was known as the “open range”. Ranchers started to fence in their cattle as well as the many people who moved west to farm the land for 5 years until the government signed it over to them to own it personally. And so it began...”this land is my land”.

So, sadly enough, cowboys became fence menders & farm workers, staying more stationary than ever before. And then the life of a cowboy just kind of faded away and ceased to exist all together. Those years of roaming the open range and living the life of a cowboy really all only happened within about 30 years.

The rodeo brought all that back to life though. Of course, this time....with cotton candy. There was excitement as the men held on for dear life as they were bucked of horses and bulls. The women came out and barrel raced, wow, to see that horse gallop that last stretch in the arena was a glimpse of what a wild horse must have looked like so long ago, running through the open range, neck outstretched, mane extended out from speed.

Ben cried and screamed as these couple of dare devils came in and did some jumps on their dirt bikes. I mean really screamed. Really, the kids could hardly watch! He buried his face into me and cried and screamed and cried. I smiled at the cowboys sitting around us and shrugged.

Katie began to look a little green-started shifting in her seat as though something was coming up. Suddenly she turns to me, says she is not feeling well and going to throw up. UP and OUT we go, running to the bathroom, her hand over her mouth, lucky enough to reach an open stall and then the puking came. But she made it and she felt much better after!

We waited a year for this evening at the rodeo and it WAS worth it!

The moon rose over an open field and its light shone down on the dirt road back up to the cabin. It had been a long and exciting day. The rodeo.

Salt Creek & the Salvage Yard~July 12th

All the melting snow comes down and flows into Salt Creek, supplying the entire city of Nephi with its water. Up closer to the mountains, however, it is just one of our favorite places to play. The water is freezing cold but that does not stop any one of the kids from taking their shoes off and stepping right in. They spent their time throwing rocks and fishing with their newly found fishing poles which were long sticks that has been smoothed down by the continual rushing water. Who knows how far away they came from. We walked up the rapids a bit to find it was rushing too fast for us to cross or play near so we had to turn back. Plus, more rain was rolling in. Our time there was cut a bit short, but great fun none the less. We deserved a good of play today too because we had a busy bit of running around.

Just some errands to do, but they took us all the way north about 30 minutes to Spanish Fork. We have been driving around with our recyclables in the back of the truck for about a week looking for a place to recycle them at. At first we thought we could take them into Fountain Green, but there they only have two bins and they only collect cardboard. Honestly, I am not sure what everyone who lives in these small communities does with their recyclables. Tossing all that in the trash is just unfathomable to me.

Anyway, they had a recycling center there but they only took aluminum cans. No problem. There certainly was quite a lot of beer drinking while we had all our family out. So, we went.

I started sorting the trash in the bed of the truck, the kids are sitting there in the truck and right in front of us, a giant bull dozer type of thing, comes and starts smashing up this car!! I am not kidding the thing was about 30-40 feet from us. I am thinking there is going to be debris flying and kinda freaking out, but the kids were hooting and hollering from inside the truck as though this was the coolest thing they had ever seen! You should have heard Hunter!! Then suddenly, the whole darn car is up in the air and he's heaving it up onto the top of a bunch of other cars. Some guy walks over to me, tells me that if I crush all the cans, we can earn $.05 more per pound. I had already told the kids they could split the money so went and asked them if they wanted to get out and crush them. They would earn more money if they did. They all scramble to get their shoes on, pile outta the truck and start smashing cans in the middle of this salvage yard!

I gotta tell ya though, they were sure excited with thinking about how much they thought they were going to get. After all was said and done, we had two 5 gallon buckets to carry over to the weigh in. A whopping 6 pounds. The total came to $3.60 which they split 3 ways. Katie's comment was that she was surprised because she thought it was going to be more after all that work. But they all sat there and held onto their dollar and change the whole way home anticipating what they will buy at the carnival/rodeo on Thursday.

It took me back to my own childhood – I still am a garbage man's daughter at heart and that is probably why I cannot bring myself to throw out all those plastics. As a kid, crushing cans was my job at home. I can remember lining them all up, with only a slight indent and then crushing them all in a row. I had forgotten this until today at the junk yard. The kids thought this “assembly line” was a great idea.

I am sure we looked like quite the sight, all of us lining up beer cans, then crushing them with most slipping out under our foot, then just stomping on them with both feet as though we were dancing on hot coals right there next to a 40 foot high pile of junk cars and who knows what else!

But the kids cannot wait to go back. They are already planning that if we crush the cans as we go here at the cabin we will have less work when we get to the salvage yard next time. We have our own “dump” here, a hole where we throw our garbage into. Katie is already talking about going there to see if there are any more cans to take! So, if you all happen to see my kids digging through the garbage at the park or when we come to visit you at your house, you will know why! I cannot help it though....it does make me smile!