SO - there is quite a bit to catch up on and feel that WHEW! I have finally caught my breath. Actually, maybe a better description would be I have finally exhaled!
Big changes here at the Noll house which, for me, are rather bitter sweet.
I look at our kids and I DO know in my heart what they need. I feel that these last two years since we have relocated here have truly been a gift and I cherish those times. Although challenging at times, and overwhelming and blanketed with that feeling of feeling my way through the dark - I would not change a thing. Our kids are grounded in who they are, they are true to themselves and these ranching experiences have shaped them in a way I would never have been able to (and neither would a public school). But as things are shifting, so are our needs.
The original plan was that next year the kids would head off to the nearest charter school and attend full time. However, since the kids were in St. George and gone for those two weeks things have changed.
Perhaps it was because I was able to truly remove myself from them and have a chance to reconnect and to some degree - re-prioritize. I think when you are away from something for awhile and get into it, there is a light, a new light, that shines through that perhaps you were not able to see before. That first week back with the kids, there were just a few things that just were plain to see were not working.
Hunter is so much like me. I know how strong he is because much of that strength comes from me and the other half of it comes from Scott, whom I think is internally a very strong (sometimes stubborn) person. That, alone, poses quite a challenge at times.
When Hunter and I are together, we just bring out that strength in one another and because of that we are both butting heads for leadership. It looks like me asking him to do something and him just protesting it, merely because it was me doing the asking. He is one of those kids who benefits from a group setting. He has that way of looking around and saying to himself, 'Ok, I see what everyone else is doing so I better start doing it too." That is good when it comes to schooling, but might not be so great when it comes to his teenage years and making good choices, but let's just stay in the moment and in today and focus on that for now.
So, I put Hunter in school. He started last Wednesday. We met with the class and teacher the Friday before. She had already told her class about Hunter so everyone was greeting him when we got there. I told him he could hold my hand for as long as he needed and let go when we was ready. And he pretty much held my hand the whole time. On his first day, he said he was excited but afraid and so we talked about how normal that is and gave him the example of how afraid I was to help dad round up cows for the first time and was afraid because it was new but now I am good with it and the same would be true to him.
He's good! I know from the outside looking in, perhaps that seems like a cruel thing to do to him...send him off alone while I wrap up the year with the other two. However, we would never ask Hunter to do anything we knew he could not handle and he is handling it beautifully. In our family, we approach things, like....THIS is just what we are doing now, whatever the THIS might be. Scott and I purposely do not project our own thoughts, worries or fears onto the kids. We merely let the kids bring forth what is true to them and NOT what we think might be true to them. So, we never ask, out of the blue, if he feels afraid of going to school because it plants something that just might not be there and he will either bring it into the light or not. Either way, he's got to learn to work through things on his own and us projecting our thoughts and emotions about how we THINK he might feel, maybe just isn't there for him.
And since Hunter has started school, this sweetheart has emerged at home. He hugs me with true enthusiasm, climbs into bed with us in the morning just to snuggle, looks at me and tells me I am the best mom in the world, wants to sit with me, hang out with me and just be together in a positive way. Of course, that may come from him missing me, but that is good. He and I are able to see the best in one another and by the end of the day, our home is not blanketed in exhaustion but rather in love. THAT is what I have always pictured.
I see myself blossoming into the fun-loving mom that I know he needs. We spent the first day after school at the park playing catch together. And then went out for ice cream as a special celebration. That would not have happened otherwise. He's open now for me to pour some love and attention in there vs. before, by the end of the day, we were both shut down. It's a lovely opening.
From the moment Hunter was born, he was a challenge for me. I just could not reach him, from the very beginning ...of him deciding he'd come out "sunny side up" to his challenges with nursing and sleeping to his two year old year when nothing seemed to satisfy him to these challenges of home schooling. He's a wonderful sweet boy with such a deep imagination and lively spirit. He's tender and thoughtful and fun to be with. But too much time with him has not helped to nurture those parts of him but rather assist in them becoming more dormant as our personalities conflict ( and not just with me, but with anyone for that matter). So, THIS is the best choice. And he has risen to the occasion.
He had a little performance last night at the Literacy Festival at his new school. He was beaming when he grabbed Scott's hand and said "let me show you my new school" and led him into the building to his classroom. When we was up on stage doing his dance, he was focused and paying attention to the teacher who was sitting down in front cuing the moves. Then, when the moment came for the free dance, he just broke out into these dance moves, smiling from ear to ear. So were we. My face hurt from smiling!
With big changes comes big growth. And it has been really lovely and exciting to see Hunter grow in the last week. Truly wonderful!
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