So, I suppose in a way this blog is becoming more like a journal and have decided, in the New Year, to use it more like one. I mean, maybe not posting all my personal thoughts and feelings, but doing a little more writing here than before.
I have to be honest and say that probably one of the reasons I have not written much and have merely posted pictures for so long is because who really wants to read about my struggling to settle in here. Plus, it opens a whole can of worms for other people to think and judge and conclude that maybe THIS big of a life change was not a good one and it all was a mistake. I have never felt as though moving here was a mistake, but rather more like I struggled so deeply with feeling settled, feeling like I (and all of us really) were part of a community - that we mattered to anyone who lived here, that we were part of something greater than just our little family.
There certainly are a lot of ways in which we do not fit. And I can embrace that, however, there is a fine line of then just not fitting - and a huge difference between not fitting in as an adult and not fitting in as a child. And I would hate to think that we ever caused some sort of disservice to our children by wanting to create this unique childhood that backfired on us!
For a very long time I have felt like I have been hovering over my life - not really living deeply into anything, let alone myself, and just going through the motions. (which is actually quite ironic because that, in itself, defeats our original motivation to move here in the first place!) Over Christmas break, I had two experiences that solidified that and ultimately, have deeply motivated me to change.
I have to see my GI doctor once a year to renew my prescription for reflux. He's always asking about how things are going, etc. typically doctor stuff. I was not completely honest - I was not going to pour my heart out to him with what I have been struggling with....he's not THAT kind of doctor! But when I finally got done talking (with all my long winded answers) he just looked at me and said that I sound very complacent about my life here in Utah and that I am really good at creating a mask. I have to admit, I was a bit dumbfounded, yet grateful someone finally just called me out on it! Because what a terrible thing to be about your life....complacent!!
The other situation was with the woman that did all that energy work. She said to me (without much information from me) that she sensed I had this cord attached to the front of me and was living my life "out here" (and then waved her hand out in front of her face back and forward). And I just sat there thinking about how long I had been telling Scott that I don't feel "in" my life, like I am hovering over it. And she could "sense" that, almost immediately. She continued by saying that it has been a very long time since I have been "in" my body. (actually then later when she was working on me and guiding me back into my body - I actually felt sick to my stomach. She said that was probably because it has been a long time since I have been there and that now it's uncomfortable, like being lost in a foreign country).
I felt sad about those two things. I felt like not only do I owe myself more than that, but also the people closest to me, who are watching and learning how to step forth into their own lives. What a terrible example that is! And for a long time, this fear - like this small demon festering deep in me- that tells me I am not good enough, I am not being the kind of mother I dreamed I would be- simply that I was not enough, was all I could hear. And then the days would get to be like just another failure, just another way to prove I was not enough.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and just stood there and said to yourself, " I have enough. I do enough. I AM enough." and truly believe it! It's harder than you think! And when the spiritual assignment is to do it 50-100 times a day - well, at first that just seemed crazy! But the more you tell yourself something, the more real it truly does become....which is why we should all be VERY CAREFUL about what we tell ourselves!
So, I am making some conscious changes in my life.
I find that I NEED to exercise. I have to get away from the house and burn off some steam. There is nothing I cannot accomplish with Dance Cardio on Pandora!! I have found a new love for yoga. What a great way to land deeply into your body! And I can feel myself in there....in warrior three, while I am balancing on one leg, the other outstretched behind me, with arm outstretched in front, flat back...and I focus on pulling my arms and leg as far apart as I can - well, I cannot help but be present in myself. And I truly do feel like as I am stretching my body, I am making room for more good - like opening a space for love and light to come in.
I have gone back to being 100% gluten free....well, maybe 95%. But my whole body feels better. Even the energy lady commented about how all my "dis- ease" is settled into my stomach "your stomach is on fire. you just cannot stomach anymore". So, this is just a great way for me to get back on track of just physically feeling well.
Those are really those physically things a person can do to feel better, but I also feel there is a lot of inner work I need to focus on as well.
BIG DECISION- this will be my last year of home schooling. I will tell more about that later, however, the resistance I am getting from the kids (well, Kate and Hunter) is just not worth it. And I just want to be mom - not teacher (in that way) any more. It's like labor...when you are pregnant and asking how will you know you are in labor and the answer is always the same "OH- you'll know!". Moving on from home schooling is the same....you know. I'll expand more later, but in short, that will lead to many inner transformations for me.
#1 ranch woman - while the kids and Scott were gone, I really was the #1 ranch woman. After Scott got back, I told him that THAT was really the first time I truly felt like things were how they were suppose to be for me here. It was beautiful. The elk were up on the hill behind me, just hanging out and I just sat there for a moment and watch their majestic movements. And I felt this warm wave of peacefulness wash over me. It was as though just being totally present in that moment made me totally present in my life and it really did feel great! I felt connected to the Earth and all that was around me and for that moment- could feel its beauty and serenity as if we were one.
In conclusion, I suppose it is true that we never know what lies ahead. And certainly, as a parent, we do the best with what we think at the time, which I guess is really the case with everything. What is it- at the end- that makes us happy? I don't know. But what I have started to feel is myself opening and being able to forgive myself for my mistakes and downfalls and just step into my life with gratitude for my life itself. And that feels good.
In the end, we all end up on our death beds, right? What will my very last thought in this life be?
I think it will be love - love of those special people in my life, of all the wonderful life experiences I had while living and a love of myself. If "God" is everywhere and there is nowhere he is not, then "God" is in me and that means by loving myself as best I can, I am in turn loving all things. There is a connectedness in all things I have been overlooking for a long time. And to overlook that and not live in that connectedness is a rather lonely place to be.
This is from an unknown author:
"A monk was being chased by a tiger. He came to the edge of a cliff. He looked back-the tiger was almost upon him. Noticing a vine leading over the cliff, he quickly crawled over the edge and began to let himself down, then as he checked below, he saw two tigers waiting for him at the bottom of the cliff. He looked up and observed that two mice were gnawing away at the vine. Just then he saw a beautiful strawberry within arm's reach. He picked it and enjoyed the best tasting strawberry of his whole life."
Think of it like this:
The tigers are not outside of us, they are not something that happens to us.
They are us.
These tigers are the thoughts and thinking that back us into a corner. The thoughts that hinder us from reaching our greatest potential in all we do. It is not about what others do to us, but rather what we do to ourselves. The mice chewing away at that vine is our own Self sabotaging itself and its capacity for happiness. So that leaves us with the strawberry. How often do we overlook the sweetness of life - the joy within any given moment because we are too caught up in something else.
So - here's to the very best tasting strawberry - every day!
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